Jeff Foxworthy became famous with his “You might be a redneck if...” routine.  If his tests have any veracity, then, without a doubt, I meet most of the criteria he has set forth.  (That’s a pretty impressive sentence for a redneck, don’t you think?)
    Chiggers are included on my top 5 list of hygiene concerns.  We don’t call them chiggers, we call them red bugs and if you’ve ever had the outline of your underwear and socks in red welts, you would certainly include them on your list of hygiene concerns.
    We have kept a can of Hot Shot bug spray on the kitchen table.  I have also used Black Flag flying insect spray as mosquito repellant (on my skin) when they were really bad.
    I may or may not have bathed with flea and tick soap.  When you have red bugs, anything is a possible cure until ruled out after thorough testing; Clorox, ammonia, Pine Sol, Lysol, fingernail polish, kerosene, etc.  I have tried many things, but a Pine Sol bath is, by far, the best.
    I have provided instruction to someone on how to build and stock (for free) a worm bed and it was based on experience.  However, I am not an expert.
    I had a gas pedal shaped like a bare foot.  I also had a baby foot dimmer switch.
    I like stock car racing.  I can identify 75% of the NASCAR drivers from either their picture or their number.  I hate being behind someone on the highway with a Jeff Gordon license plate.   And my niece who is a grown woman (and I might add, has never done anything embarrassing in her life) has nearly gotten an “ass whoopin’” while at the dirt track.
    I have never been drunk and fished.  I did once take 100mg Demerol for an abscessed tooth while fishing.  We almost got into a fight with some guy over a fishing spot.  My brother-in-law instigated the confrontation and my sister was scared.  I didn’t care.
    Ketchup is generally the only condiment on the dining room table at my sister’s house.
    I did, once, paint a girl’s name on an overpass.
    I turned over my riding lawn mower on two occasions: once doing a wheelie and once on the side of a hill.  There were witnesses.
    My cousin used a ’63 Ford Fairlane for a doghouse.
    My wife has a small Elvis memorabilia collection which includes the autograph of his personal secretary.
    My two year old great nephew has stolen a golf cart...twice.
    My sister threw herself on a runaway go-cart once.  She’ll show you her scar if you ask.
    My cousin built a 4 wheel drive Monte Carlo and we all thought it was really “nice”.
    I have, inadvertently, started a fire that resulted in property damage.  Luckily it wasn’t my property.
    I have refused to ride in the ambulance after being knocked unconscious.  I signed the EMT’s liability waiver although I didn’t even know my name.
    For the first twelve years of my life I thought “Heathen” was my middle name.
    I own 16 internal combustion engines and 16 cats.  Coincidence?

    Maybe I am a redneck.  You should be so lucky.