Saturday I had a horrible experience.  It’s difficult to describe exactly what happened and the emotions I experienced, but I’ll try.  I needed a welding cart, grinding discs and various other manly supplies, so I decided to go to a new store in town, Northern Tool.  I’m familiar with Northern as I have been ordering stuff out of their catalog for several years, but a “friend” at work told me that Northern now had moved into an old Kmart on the other side of the city.

    It’s about 50 miles to the place and there happens to be a Harbor Freight close by it, so I decided I’d go get a couple of boxes of rubber gloves.  My wife went with me and we went straight to Harbor Freight.  Actually that’s not true.  First we went to Wal-Mart so I could look for an OBD II code reader since I don’t have one and the check engine light came on in the car the other day.  Wal-Mart was “supposed” to have the brand I was looking for at a reasonable price, but they didn’t have anything in the way of diagnostic equipment except a couple of multi-meters.  That was lucky because when we came out and got in the car, the check engine light had gone out.  Anyway, we went to Harbor Freight, got in and out, picking up a minimum amount of loot, about $75.  For me that’s pretty good.  I’ve been know to go in for a set of drill bits and come out with a 16 speed, 17” swing, floor drill press.  I planned ahead this time and didn’t go in the truck.

    We left Harbor Freight and went over to Northern.  Northern has this marketing program where they target men.  They have signs with little quotes like at the shopping cart return where it states, “Four wheels and no engine...better leave it here.”  When you go in, the place where you get your shopping buggy has a sign saying, “Congratulations on needing a cart.”  I have a dozen or so of their catalogs and have read all of the little sayings, so I’ve built up immunity to this sales technique.

    Once inside, we followed American custom and started shopping to our right.  Go In, get a cart and go to the right.  It’s engrained in me, how about you?  Suddenly I realized this was no ordinary store.  I had just walked into the catalog.  I felt like Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music...”The shelves are alive...with the shine of toooools”.  If it had been 1960, it would have been a musical.  I told my wife, “This is amazing!  Look!  Trailer axles and tail lights!  And look at this!  I just ordered some of these hubs the other day, and, and, and, had them shipped...I had to wait on them!  Pinch me!”

    I looked around and there were fertilizer spreaders and pressure washers and log splitters.  I got loose from my wife and just took off running.  I ran to the back and spotted the welders and welding hoods and welding carts.  There were air compressors and grinders and hole saws.  At that point I went down to the floor and was completely overcome with emotion.  When my wife found me I was lying in the hydraulics aisle trying to make a snow angel.

    Thank God she still had the cart.  I got some hole saws and an arbor that didn’t fit them, a safety shield and a welding cart, a portable air tank and some hose to go with the 200 feet I already have.  I started grabbing stuff out of other peoples shopping carts and hissing at anybody that got close to the merchandise.  I was within one second of marking that whole store as my territory, if you know what I mean.  My wife herded me toward the front of the store to the check out, but I got away from her again when I spotted a 50-ton hydraulic press down one of the aisles.  When I got there I saw her coming, so I grabbed a pair of bolt cutters and climbed to the top shelf.  I started waving them around like King Kong swatting at airplanes.  To my surprise, no one even noticed.  Then I realized...this sort of thing probably goes on everyday there.  I came down and we took our cart full of essentials through check out, loaded up the car and headed home.  I was completely worn out.

    My advice to you men is this.  When you go to Northern your first time, take your wife and go on Saturday.  That way someone will question your every purchase and you can’t get to your 401K retirement money.