Earl Carbine, P.I.
I’ll bet you didn’t know I dabbled in songwriting and movie-making, did you? Years ago, I had this idea to shoot a movie about a very special private eye. Earl Carbine, P.I. It was actually going to be a series of movies starring a friend of mine (who was probably the worst “actor” to ever stand in front of a camera) as the intrepid private eye. The plan was to have Earl solve crimes throughout the history of mankind. The first movie he would be featured as a gun-toting, animal skin wearing caveman. He wouldn’t speak, just grunt, point and occasionally fire off a round or two. He wasn’t a time traveler, he would just be living at different times and attempt to solve cases. Earl was also rather dense, often failing to understand the clues he uncovered.
The basic idea was stunning stupidity rather than a really good plotline. I was aiming to show the least likely scenario that you could imagine. The scene I had in my mind’s eye went like this: The camera fades in to a dense forest. As the light slowly comes up, you can see there is no movement in the dusky dark greenery. Slightly to the right you see a large tree trunk and the few limbs closest to the ground. You can hear mosquitoes buzzing, crickets chirping, the bar-rumph of a distant bullfrog, and maybe a dinosaur wailing far, far away. Unexpectedly Earl drops out of the tree and lands directly in front of you in a half-squat, barefoot, wearing a leopard skin, hair unkempt, glasses and wielding a pearl-handled .45 automatic. He turns slowly; arms outstretched grasping the pistol, still in the half squat, surveying the area for bad guys. He fires off five or six shots and takes off running through the forest.
However, like George Lucas, our first film started a few eons later than the original plotline intended. The name of the movie was “Purple Haze” and we shot a few scenes before we lost interest or ran out of tape, I don’t remember which. I have no idea what ever happened to the tape. I also shot some 8mm film and that is probably around here somewhere.
Anyway, what made me think of this was the fact that I remembered the theme song for the “Earl Carbine, P.I., BC” movie. I also remember the tune, but I’ll spare you the singing.
THE BALLAD OF EARL CARBINE
It was the first...time...the sun ever rose,
Nearly every...thing...was already froze,
He dropped from a tree and was on the run,
All he had...was...his skin and his gun
His name is Earl,
Earl Carbine
Meanest man you’ve ever seen, it’s
Earl...Earl Carbine
Well he sleeps by day and hunts by night,
Kills baby birds just for spite,
Married an ape and they had a child,
But they got a divorce because he was just...too wild.
His name is Earl,
Earl Carbine
Meanest man you’ve ever seen, it’s
Earl...Earl Carbine
He chased down a bear and skinned its’ hide.
Then he made the raw bear take him for a ride.
The meanest man in the world that day,
The earth shook...when...you heard him say,
My name is EARL!
Earl Carbine
Meanest man you ever seen,
I’m EARL...EARL CARBINE!
So if you’re out in the woods by the light of the moon
And you suddenly get hit with a dead raccoon,
I tell you brother you better split that scene,
Because it was probably thrown by Earl Carbine.
His name is Earl,
Earl Carbine
Meanest man you’ve ever seen,
It’s Earl...Earl Carbine
It’s Earl!
Earl Carbine!
Meanest man you’ve ever seen,
It’s Earl...Earl Carbine!
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