WARNING:  The following post may be unsuitable for highly sophisticated individuals.  It contains descriptions of bodily functions and the panic associated with urgent situations.

    As a sufferer of IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) I have experienced more than my fair share of “emergencies”.  With that in mind, I think I can speak with authority on the crisis of needing to “go” when there is no place to “go”.  For clarification purposes it should be understood that the need to pee cannot be considered in the same category as a significant bowel event.  There are two fundamental requirements that must be met when defining a “place to go”.  First, it must be an area where such activity is deemed acceptable.  For example: a gas station rest room, McDonald’s, a secluded location outdoors, etc.  Second, there must be a sufficient means of completing the necessary “paper work”.  For example:  tissue, shop towels, your sock, green non-poisonous leaves, etc.  Unfortunately, we often find that one or both of the prescribed conditions can’t be met.

Case History Number 1:

    During the winter there is little rainfall in our part of the world, however in the spring, we usually make up for it.  With this in mind, the Corp of Engineers allows the flood control reservoirs to recede significantly during the fall and winter.  Thus, when the spring rains come, there will be ample capacity to hold the rains and avoid down stream flooding.  As a result, the lakes dry up and many people enjoy Sunday afternoons out on the dry lake beds.

    My sister and her husband Jim were once walking on the dry lake bed when the water was very low.  Up until the 1940’s when the man made reservoirs were built, there were many communities where the lake now exists.  For years after construction and during the winter, it was common for people to go looking for relics at all the old home sites that were normally underwater.  The area would be a large bare plain with no grass or trees, just a few “stick-ups” where there once were orchards or forests.

    They had ventured a mile or so from the car when suddenly Jim exhibited the first signs of a significant bowel event.  (Jim is not a sufferer or IBS, yet this situation is comparable with an IBS event.)  This is demonstrated by a sudden stutter step, soon followed by a slow, methodical shuffle.  Jim refers to this as “locking up”.  Obviously the first criterion for a suitable “place to go” was not attainable.  While he was outdoors, this was not a secluded location.  There were other individuals in the immediate area enjoying their Sunday afternoon as well.  Unfortunately the situation was bleak.  He quickly lowered his pants and crouched down behind a lone little stick-up about four inches in diameter and maybe five feet tall.

    After the initial satisfaction of answering nature’s call, it became evident that second criterion, like the first, was unattainable.  Not in the situation to easily remove a sock, Jim resorted to a small piece of paper in his shirt pocket.  It was a credit card slip complete with his signature.

    Not that anyone would ever actually touch the credit card slip, but to the casual observer it could be misconstrued as pride of accomplishment, similar to an artist signing his masterpiece.

Case History Number 2:

    Once again the location was a local flood control reservoir.  Jim and I were fishing in the spring when the water was extremely high.  We were in a flooded area of small brush and grass when I was overcome by the first wave of a significant bowel event.  Acting quickly I started maneuvering the boat in the direction where I thought dry land would be first accessible.  The brush was so thick that it soon became difficult to move the boat any further.  I surveyed the area and decided that water appeared to be a little less than knee deep and we were within ten feet of a large tree.  It appeared the first requirement could be adequately met.  I took a roll of blue shop towels from the dry locker, tore off several and put them in my shirt pocket.  Requirement number two was attainable.

    I put my feet over the side of the boat and slipped off into the water.  It became obvious that my water depth assessment was slightly off.  I held my arms high as I tried to keep my shop towels dry and my head and neck above water.  When I made it to the tree I realized that the situation was unacceptable however a second warning wave passed through my body and there was no time to find a more suitable location.  A significant bowel event was imminent.

    I quickly clambered up the tree, pulled down my pants and hung my posterior over a branch well above the water.  Luckily the boat was away from my target area.  Upon completion I finished up with the blue shop towels.  Requirement two was met.