Colonoscopy
Yesterday was an eventful day courtesy of a big ol' jug of Go-Lytely. Topped off with a mild laxative and a liquid diet, it was the day that time stood still.
I don't know if you remember or not, but the doctor had recommended that I get a colonoscopy last October. That was sidetracked when I found out I had prostate cancer. During my last follow-up with the doctor about my broken rib, he once again set up the colonoscopy. I question whether or not it is wise to actually go looking for trouble, especially in the dank hinterlands of ones' bowel, but the doctor doesn't seem to mind. I think they see things like the mechanic that services your car only to find something that was "just about" to fail. Luckily they save you from an eminent demise by removing the offending part or spotting trouble before it all goes awry.
Yesterday I started cleansing my bowels with a little help from our old friend polyethylene glycol. Not to be confused with ethylene glycol, antifreeze, which is much sweeter and rates one notch above polyethylene glycol on the CIA's torture scale, Go-Lytely is a yummy mix of PEG, electrolytes and your choice of horrendous flavorings. I chose the orange flavor. Mmmmm...
"Fill the jug with water, add content of flavor packet and shake well." What could be simpler? I think mine was the generic brand called Run-Quickly. A friend had suggested that putting it in the freezer until it was slushy made it a lot easier to go down. I put the gallon jug of laxative into the freezer and waited for the magic to take place. Note to self: Antifreeze derivatives take a lot longer to freeze than water. I checked periodically to see if it had started freezing as my 12:00 noon cleansing deadline loomed ahead. Unfortunately the first glass or two didn't have the consistency of an Italian ice as my friend had assured me. It was more like ice cold swill with a hint of putrid orange. I am quite sure that orange wasn't a good flavor choice. Kerosene would have been much better.
This was one of those situations that makes you wonder how you ended up where you are. I'll bet 95% of the world population have never had a buttscope. But here I was drinking a jug of chemicals voluntarily preparing for a man run 6 feet of camera and cutter equipped cable up my derrière in search of something I hoped he wouldn't find. My God...what have I become?
Anyway, as I was forcing down the last of the Go-Lytely I realized that I was actually drinking more than required. This stuff was mostly water and what does water do when it freezes? Right, it expands. I only needed to drink 1/2 of the jug, but I started when it was liquid and finished when it had become a slush. Obviously I need to have a physics discussion with my "friend". It took several hours for the stuff to start working. But when it did start, I began to wonder if it would ever quit. No details are really necessary but suffice it to say that Go-Lytely is a misnomer. Blast-Heavily would be more appropriate. At 4:00 p.m. I took a couple of laxatives, I guess just to break things up. By 10:00 in the evening I was pretty much spent. I had a cup of chicken bullion and two cups of chicken broth. The cats thanked me because they got to eat the chicken that was used to prepare the broth. After a final round of drainage, I went to bed. Note to self: Next time eat a big plate of bad clams. Much easier to get down.
This morning I got up and hoped that I would forget and eat a bowl of Cheerios. "Oh-no! I forgot all about the colonoscopy. Oh well, I guess we'll just have to schedule another day." However I didn't forget and my wife (who I swear dreams up horrible medical tests for me to undergo) was right there to remind me that I was "NPO, don't even accidentally swallow a drop of water when you brush your teeth." The medical field sometimes has an unfounded fear of people aspirating. There was absolutely nothing in my system to come up and I'm sure a couple of drops of water weren't going to kill me. So I got dressed and we dilly-dallied around until I was sure to be late getting to the doctor's office. I wasn't in a hurry, but I like to be punctual even for torture.
We got there at 10:05, five minutes after my appointment time. After sitting in the waiting room for fifteen more minutes, a nurse came and took me back to pre-op. Since this is an out-patient clinic, the pre and post op are in the same area. It was enchanting to sit half clothed on a gurney listening to a cacophony of farting from my fellow patients. During the procedure, the doctor inflates your bowel with air to help with his little adventure Alas, they would be gone before I would have my instrument tuned and ready. The nurse started an IV then took me to the room where the procedure would take place. The doctor was there to inform me that they had just about given up on me because I was so late and that he had done eight people before me. (Let's do the math...8 x $1730.00=$13840.00 for three hours of work. Yeah, right. Five minutes late and you're going to turn me away? Who would be the loser in that deal? I think I'm buying me a buttscope, some anal lube and a case of paper towels.)
The nurse started the anesthesia and I began to smile. I actually started smiling because it was so wonderful. Colonoscopy? Who cares! Chop something out while you're there, I don't care. Wheee! I needed this stuff when I was drinking the antifreeze. I had told them that I my previous buttscoping was excruciating so they gave me a little extra juice. Note to self: Always tell the anesthesiologist that you are hard to put to sleep.
When I woke up everything was over and done. The doctor informed me that they had found one polyp and removed it for pathology. I wasn't really alarmed. It would have been much concerning if they had found a ketchup bottle or a shoe. I'll get the results next week and we'll see what else is in store for me. Afterward we went to Red Lobster and I teated myself to all the things that probably cause polyps.
I don't know if you remember or not, but the doctor had recommended that I get a colonoscopy last October. That was sidetracked when I found out I had prostate cancer. During my last follow-up with the doctor about my broken rib, he once again set up the colonoscopy. I question whether or not it is wise to actually go looking for trouble, especially in the dank hinterlands of ones' bowel, but the doctor doesn't seem to mind. I think they see things like the mechanic that services your car only to find something that was "just about" to fail. Luckily they save you from an eminent demise by removing the offending part or spotting trouble before it all goes awry.
Yesterday I started cleansing my bowels with a little help from our old friend polyethylene glycol. Not to be confused with ethylene glycol, antifreeze, which is much sweeter and rates one notch above polyethylene glycol on the CIA's torture scale, Go-Lytely is a yummy mix of PEG, electrolytes and your choice of horrendous flavorings. I chose the orange flavor. Mmmmm...
"Fill the jug with water, add content of flavor packet and shake well." What could be simpler? I think mine was the generic brand called Run-Quickly. A friend had suggested that putting it in the freezer until it was slushy made it a lot easier to go down. I put the gallon jug of laxative into the freezer and waited for the magic to take place. Note to self: Antifreeze derivatives take a lot longer to freeze than water. I checked periodically to see if it had started freezing as my 12:00 noon cleansing deadline loomed ahead. Unfortunately the first glass or two didn't have the consistency of an Italian ice as my friend had assured me. It was more like ice cold swill with a hint of putrid orange. I am quite sure that orange wasn't a good flavor choice. Kerosene would have been much better.
This was one of those situations that makes you wonder how you ended up where you are. I'll bet 95% of the world population have never had a buttscope. But here I was drinking a jug of chemicals voluntarily preparing for a man run 6 feet of camera and cutter equipped cable up my derrière in search of something I hoped he wouldn't find. My God...what have I become?
Anyway, as I was forcing down the last of the Go-Lytely I realized that I was actually drinking more than required. This stuff was mostly water and what does water do when it freezes? Right, it expands. I only needed to drink 1/2 of the jug, but I started when it was liquid and finished when it had become a slush. Obviously I need to have a physics discussion with my "friend". It took several hours for the stuff to start working. But when it did start, I began to wonder if it would ever quit. No details are really necessary but suffice it to say that Go-Lytely is a misnomer. Blast-Heavily would be more appropriate. At 4:00 p.m. I took a couple of laxatives, I guess just to break things up. By 10:00 in the evening I was pretty much spent. I had a cup of chicken bullion and two cups of chicken broth. The cats thanked me because they got to eat the chicken that was used to prepare the broth. After a final round of drainage, I went to bed. Note to self: Next time eat a big plate of bad clams. Much easier to get down.
This morning I got up and hoped that I would forget and eat a bowl of Cheerios. "Oh-no! I forgot all about the colonoscopy. Oh well, I guess we'll just have to schedule another day." However I didn't forget and my wife (who I swear dreams up horrible medical tests for me to undergo) was right there to remind me that I was "NPO, don't even accidentally swallow a drop of water when you brush your teeth." The medical field sometimes has an unfounded fear of people aspirating. There was absolutely nothing in my system to come up and I'm sure a couple of drops of water weren't going to kill me. So I got dressed and we dilly-dallied around until I was sure to be late getting to the doctor's office. I wasn't in a hurry, but I like to be punctual even for torture.
We got there at 10:05, five minutes after my appointment time. After sitting in the waiting room for fifteen more minutes, a nurse came and took me back to pre-op. Since this is an out-patient clinic, the pre and post op are in the same area. It was enchanting to sit half clothed on a gurney listening to a cacophony of farting from my fellow patients. During the procedure, the doctor inflates your bowel with air to help with his little adventure Alas, they would be gone before I would have my instrument tuned and ready. The nurse started an IV then took me to the room where the procedure would take place. The doctor was there to inform me that they had just about given up on me because I was so late and that he had done eight people before me. (Let's do the math...8 x $1730.00=$13840.00 for three hours of work. Yeah, right. Five minutes late and you're going to turn me away? Who would be the loser in that deal? I think I'm buying me a buttscope, some anal lube and a case of paper towels.)
The nurse started the anesthesia and I began to smile. I actually started smiling because it was so wonderful. Colonoscopy? Who cares! Chop something out while you're there, I don't care. Wheee! I needed this stuff when I was drinking the antifreeze. I had told them that I my previous buttscoping was excruciating so they gave me a little extra juice. Note to self: Always tell the anesthesiologist that you are hard to put to sleep.
When I woke up everything was over and done. The doctor informed me that they had found one polyp and removed it for pathology. I wasn't really alarmed. It would have been much concerning if they had found a ketchup bottle or a shoe. I'll get the results next week and we'll see what else is in store for me. Afterward we went to Red Lobster and I teated myself to all the things that probably cause polyps.
Posted by TBF at 6/23/2009 7:02 PM 
Categories: Daily Life
Tags: doctor visit go-lytely Colonoscopy polyps laxative
Categories: Daily Life
Tags: doctor visit go-lytely Colonoscopy polyps laxative
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